Why Relationships Are So Hard

Love relationships don’t necessarily have to be difficult, but we sure do a great job making them so. Here are some of the most common issues in relationships.

Personal Misery Disguised as a Relationship Problem

There’s a reason this is the first issue listed. It is the most common of problems related to relationships. You will rarely find a person who’s very happy with themselves and their life having serious relationship problems. It’s to be expected. When you are unfulfilled as a person, you tend to look outside yourself for the culprit. And for most people, that’s their significant other.

You Don't Love Me Like I Love You.

Problems can creep in when we start to have thoughts of “do I love him more than he loves me?” We start examining all the things we do for our lover. All the ways we express our love and how much time and energy we’re putting into the relationship. Then we try to figure out if we’re getting “our fair share.” If we perceive a discrepancy in that balance sheet, we start to back away from the relationship. We don't want to love more than they love fear being played for a fool.

Not Having Anything In Common Anymore

You love each other and that's why you got together in the first place, but you don't really seem to have much in common anymore. You’re into philosophy and art. They're into sports. You like books and going for walks, and she always wants to go sailing. But you tell yourself that marriage is a sacrifice – a give and take.
You’ve been told you should put aside your own interests to make the relationship work. You have to compromise, right? But when you give up what you love for the sake of the relationship, you end up resenting the person and conclude you don't have anything in common. If you had these differences when you fell in love, chances are it's not about having nothing in common, but not having the connection and intimacy you once had.

Certain Subjects That Are Off Limits

Every time you approach certain subjects, it turns into an argument. In the back of your mind, you decide to avoid that topic in the future because you don't want to fight. You don't want the conflict. You believe fighting means the relationship is on rocky ground or is threatening to the relationship. You want to stay together, but believe if you fight, you might separate.
You become afraid to talk about one or two subjects. Over time, that list of "don't go near that one" becomes more and more numerous. And as the list of avoided topics grows, it starts to feel like you can't talk with each other anymore. You feel distant and detached. You start wondering how much longer you can live like this. The silence grows.

The Problems Are Too Numerous

Some time has passed in the relationship and you've both built up lies. Some big ones, but mostly small, seemingly harmless lies. They're not blatant lies, but mostly unspoken thoughts and feelings. The intentions behind the lies were to protect yourself and your partner from pain. But now, your problems seem overwhelming and you can't talk openly and honestly about them because you've already established a certain pattern of communication. It seems it would be considerably easier to just start fresh with a new partner. One where you could be yourself without the fear of revealing the truth.

The "If you loved me you would..." Scenario

Unspoken and unacknowledged expectations take a large toll in relationships. In having expectations, you're expecting your partner to be a certain way in order to believe they love and care about you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds of negative things about the relationship that may not be true. Your ideas about how loving people act are not necessarily universal or shared by your partner.